Paradise by the dashboard lights

<Don LaFontaine voice>

“In a world populated by glow-in-the-dark lizards, sushi-eating rattlesnakes and robots, and chopstick-wielding aliens, the gods have gone mad. Poseidon menaces a Care Bear with his trident, Crete’s mythical Minotaur threatens to steal sake from a drunken flamingo, and a fearsome chimaera fixes its frightening gaze on all who dare to look upon it. Only one man has the range, the batting average, and the speed on the basepaths to restore order to this debauched land of plasticine mayhem….”

</Don LaFontaine voice>

<Harry Caray voice>

“It might be … it could be … IT IS!

Holy cow! Ryne Sandberg has come to the Friendly Confines of the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcar!”

</Harry Caray voice>

Or will as soon as this sucktacular weather gets above freezing long enough for the superglue to work, anyway.

For those of you who are interested in such things: This is a 1989 Starting Lineup action figure. I got it in its original packaging, but the blister pack was partially crushed, and the accompanying baseball card was poorly printed and appeared to have sustained some sun damage, destroying its value as a collectible. As dashboard garnish, however, it’s worth the whole penny I paid for it.

Yeah, you read that right. I got a 22-year-old action figure, still in its original (albeit severely damaged) packaging, for a penny. A Ryne Sandberg figure would have set me back somewhere between $5 and $40, + Ivan DeJesus … but thanks to the magic of functionally illiterate eBay sellers, his little-known identical twin “Ryan” was going for a mere penny.

My dashboard is about to get a little bit hotter….


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