You’ve got to be kidding me.

So we went to the Evil Empire (Wal-Mart) this afternoon to buy oil for Ron’s car (for some reason, nobody else carries the weight he needs for his Insight), and while we were there, I decided to pick up some baseball cards to use with my Algebra I kids. You can pull a LOT of algebra problems out of a baseball card.

Or, at least, you could when I was a kid. Apparently those days are over.

When did it become OK to sell baseball cards without any stats on the back? Seriously: I bought a box containing nine packs of Upper Deck “Baseball Heroes” cards, and not one of them gave the player’s stats. For example, Ozzie Smith’s card tells us only that he earned 13 consecutive Gold Gloves between 1980 and 1992. Nice work, and you’ve got to respect the Wizard, but seriously: What was his fielding percentage? OBP? RBIs? Batting average? Slugging percentage? Bueller? … Bueller?

While we’re on the subject, when did it become OK to sell baseball cards five to a pack? Didn’t they used to come in packs of 10? And where the hell is my bubblegum? As my mother used to say: “I have lived too long.”

You kids get off my lawn — and don’t come back until you know the Red Baron’s lifetime ERA.